Finals

I'm scared and when I'm scared I shy away from things. I leave them and block them out. Whenever I have a faint thought about them I panic and become depressed instantly. I don't know but I need to pull myself together. Such times I find the weakness in me most visible. It's so much easier not doing things and slacking. It's easier freaking out. It's easier feeling fed up and sorry for myself. This is it. There's no time to make up if I slack. Every minute I waste cannot be brought back. When will I realize that and act upon it?

Hidden Blessings

Her smile always ready. Always takes the trouble to say hi even if I didn't notice her. Always asks about how exams are and how they went. Her heartfelt prayers are ready with inshallah next year you'll be in Sohar. She's the typical med student who grills lecturers with questions during the lecture, while she does so we relish in a few minutes where we don't have to listen attentively because honestly we don't get her questions most of the time but that's off the point. She's been delayed a year because of her health problems.

Complaining now is as easy as it gets. I rarely talk about anything other than exams and studying. So when she asks me I automatically complain of how hectic things are and such and after she prays allah ywafe8na. I suddenly remember that she hasn't complained once, but always asks how things are for us. I wonder that if I was her, how much would I complain?

Al7amdulelah.

2011 reflections - Failing

They say people always think of bad things first. Somehow when viewing how my 2011 was, one of the first things that I thought of was experiencing failure. Failing. I failed two quizzes and my driving test twice. I managed to get it right the third time, I went by the saying third time lucky.

Today I failed an optional quiz, I don't know what is wrong. Haven't I failed enough already? Asta'3furu allah
I made up for the first quiz I failed in, and the second one I have a chance to make up for it. We'll see how that one goes.

I rebelled and was bitter for days after failing. Studying was of no point I thought. And I let it bring me down instead of motivating me to do better.

I don't want to go on about my family's expectations of me, their discouraging words, failure to understand the situation as it is. I've already said too much.

It's not the most pleasant feeling in the world, they say if you haven't failed then you haven't truly lived. Maybe they mean something deeper than exams. But it's still failing no?

And just so you know that optional quiz, only 2 passed it.

Brushed Aside

I'm reserved. If it's in my hand, I'd keep things inside and bottle everything up.
I feel empty at times, with nothing to offer. No solid opinion or firm voice. Maybe that's why my first instinct is to hide things. I wouldn't tell you how you made me feel. Nor that I cried, nor the fact that your words kept playing in my head. If I had control over myself, I wouldn't show any emotion. I'd just live them out inside and forget. Forget what happened or what you said and how you made me feel and move on.

If I told you how I felt and what I think, I fear exposing myself and have nothing left for myself in the end. I go by like nothing happened. I don't know why I feel this way, why I keep a keen eye on what I share.

Thinking I'd feel less empty if I kept something to myself. Sometimes it's not even that. But I feel like if I shared how I feel it'd mean less than it does. How I felt at the moment, my tears and all of it may seem silly in a way. I wouldn't want to laugh it off if I tell you, just to make light of the situation. Because knowing me, I would do such a thing. That's why I don't say anything, to avoid doing that.

Change

On meeting my school friends whom I haven't seen in more than a year:

Will they recognize me? I wouldn't recognize myself. My inner self tells me to stop this nonsense. It's just a social visit what will they not recognize? They won't penetrate through my soul and see how it's been battered. (Battered? A bit dramatic wouldn't you say?)

But I can't help thinking that they will encounter a different person. Not the impulsive lsanha-metbari-menha girl I used to be back in school. While I had the world's doors all open before me. I don't know why I like to think that I've changed. I'm not a school girl anymore, of course I've changed. I had no responsibilities back then.

They were all the same. I found some of my old care-free self with them. There aren't deep oceans of worries between us. Nor is there any contempt at the world for making us all go in a direction different than the other. We have not that deep relationship where we weep the distance from each other.

Meeting them again brought back the best times I had in a dreary school. The girlish gossip and giggles. Where our biggest disappointment of the day was when one of us asked if any has seen a particular teacher and one confirms seeing her in the morning. And our biggest joy was when a teacher missed out a lesson. Life had a pattern then, we went to school, came back home, slept and woke up again. We knew what to expect.

I might not see them again in a year or more. Maybe an occasional shlonech text but that's it. Seeing them in person makes it all up. It's like we're school girls again making fun of each other and laughing over silly memories.

My flaws

My flaws
like pins grazed in my skin
I look around
see someone stronger
and feel a pin go deeper
Some have sunk further
and are scratching my bones
Some are staring at me in the face
While others are hidden
which only sting when pressed

Good night

Silence
It's all so still
Sinking lower in my bed
I hear some voices
No longer as cold as it was
Still no complaints of the open lights
Nor of the noises I make while typing
My eyes are complaining though
Of this screen
So I'll leave it in peace for now
And say good night