Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Internship - July 2017

Internship is over. Emotions always running high. Sometimes I feel that I made a difference, rare are those days. But plenty are the days where I feel unappreciated, stressed, defeated, hiding in a corner fighting back the tears.
They keep juggling us into different teams. Every month, I have to adapt to new people.
I had to learn to say no.
There's no clear job description for us interns. Hence I've struggled in the beginning of finding that out. At times, I am left with sick patients who I shouldn't be handling without the immediate recognition that they're situation is critical, and at others I am left to do the work nobody wants to do.
I stopped caring about being liked, I will make an effort if I like you, if not then so be it.
It doesn't matter if nobody notices you're there and you stick around in case anything goes wrong. Well, sometimes it does matter, and more than often people notice. And it pushes me a little ahead when they do.
Interns, basically, are the bottom of the healthcare system. Some don't know what to do with us. Some don't know what to do without us. We're the easiest to blame. And when we fight back, they get the shock of their lives. I should have been sterner, and in many occasions I should not have taken the blame, but I did.
It's been an enriching experience. Whether it's a patient you learn from on a medical level or on a life level. Specially when you're afraid you will lose your compassion. Or it's a doctor who takes the time to teach you, correct you or share their life experiences with you.
It hasn't been all that frustrating, No. I felt like I was finally part of the team. I had patients I was in charge of. I was left to arrange things for them and at times fight for them when different teams are juggling their responsibility.
I didn't save any lives, rather I made many mistakes. But I've learned so much.
Oncalls were mostly light for me. I've been lucky that no big disasters happened on my watch, at least I pretend it was on my watch. Spending 24 hours in the hospital, most of the times it was more than that, it was never just 24 hours. Your best self leaves you surely by the beginning of the oncall or somewhere at night when they keep calling you to put this prescription or for other reasons.
The real struggle of being an intern slips through this post as I cannot simply put into enough words to explain to you what it was like. 

Friday, November 25, 2016


حلوة يا بلدي
اي والله حلوة. و تخبلين همين. حلوة بحاراتچ، بناسچ، بطيبهم وكرمهم، حلوة باللمة، و بكل تفاصيلچ
حلوة حتى بعد ما خربوچ و اجيت اشوفچ صامدة مع أنه هدموچ و ما بقى ولا شارع نظيف. ظليتِ حلوة على عنادهم.

ذكريات كل اللي فات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
أتذكر صف أول و  ست سهيلة. طيبة صديقة الطفولة. بيبيتي الله يرحمها. مرجوحة بيتنا. شقاوتي.  المسلسلات المكسيكية. فتحي يا وردة. بيت جدي. بنات عمي.
يشككون بيه لما أگوللهم أني أتذكر هيچ صار. بس مو مهم
و أتذكر اليوم... اللي ودعتچ بي.

قلبي مليان بحكايات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
چنت أتمنى أنه القصص تكون أكثر و أكثر. چنت أتمنى لمن أرجعلچ أگدر أطلع وحدي أتمشى بشوارعچ و اندل طريق بيتنا. بس بيتنا تغير. و حسيتني مثل الغريبة ببلدي . عفتچ أكثر من 10 سنين شنو أتوقع ردة فعلچ تكون؟ أستاهل.

 واكو كومة حچايات جديدة منها الحلو و منها المر. بس يحتاج اگعد وياچ گعدة محترمة لما ارجعلچ عن قريب و نسولف

 تدرين أنهم يگولولي انه حچيي مو عراقي مية بالمية؟  و ما ادري ليش اضايق و اسمعلهم؟ مو مهم رأيهم بس هي كم شغلة اللي تجمعني بيچ و متمسكة بكل شغلة بقوة لأنها تقربني منچ فلما ينتقدوها يعز عليه. 

أملي دايماً كان يا بلدي، إني أرجعلك يا بلدي
عايشة على الأمل. مع إنه دا يصير كلش ضعيف. يوما ما ان شاء الله 

وأفضل دايماً جنبك على طول
  هو حلم. صعب. بس شسوي. يمكن قبل ما كان بإيدي بس كل ما أكبر تصير عندي حرية الاختيار أكثر بس انتظريني ارجعلچ مكونة نفسي و أگدر أساعد أبناء بلدي. حچي مثالي أدري و يمكن حجج بس أدري أنه انتِ مقدرة ظروفي. وأدري أنه ما نسيتيني. صح اني عايفتچ كلش من زمان بس هذا ما ينقص من حبي الچ.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016


They say. Happy. Pretty. Strong. Supportive. Well-read. Classy. Helpful.

They say a lot of things.
Don't believe them.

When the truth is
Judgemental. Selfish. Hater. Mean. Ugly. Unforgiving. Ungrateful. Clueless.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Post Med School

So starting with the most important news, I'm no longer a medical student. Yes, I wanted to sort of get it out somewhere, it happened only a few weeks ago. Feels amazing to not have to worry about exams. There's much more responsibility now, but I don't think I've realized its weight yet. I assure myself it's a good thing and quite normal, at least so far. Let me enjoy the long awaited freedom. Sadly, there wasn't a proper break, but I'll take what I can get.
Naturally, I have so many plans and things to do. I've managed to do only few. No surprise there. I've made plans as simple joining a gym to slightly more complicated things like deciding my future. But it's so much easier to dive into a book or indulge in a movie and not think about things or decisions that need to be made. I remind myself that time is running, the next minute I start reading another book.
Oh, and our room has been under renovation ever since we came back. Little have I done to help sort it out.
This is a happy post. I repeat this is a happy post. I'm grateful for everything the way it turned out. I deserve this rejoicing-and-doing-nothing mode.

I always aim for long posts when I start them. But that never happens. Tonight my excuse is that I need to sleep. I'm on-call tomorrow.
Until next time.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Knowledge is Attractive

It's true that I'm in the medical field, and I know a lot of things about diseases and drugs. At least more than the average person. Although most of my professors would disagree and tell you that I'm clueless but take it from me, I know a thing or two. 
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to brag or show you my vast knowledge. In fact, I think because I'm in this field, I'm only focused on it. I don't know anything about anything that has nothing to do with medicine which might be ok to some because hey, I'm gonna be a doctor soon, who cares about everything else?
I find those who have interest and knowledge about different subjects and fields, attractive. But also I find them intimidating. 
I follow some on twitter, for example. I'd be an avid follower of their tweets, and I might favourite some of them. But never would I reply or discuss anything with them. Same goes to people I know in real life. I wouldn't really argue or ask them questions. Because hey I wouldn't want to show them my ignorance. And a 5 minute conversation (or probably less) would show them how limited my knowledge about things is. 

One thing that I'm also not happy about is that I'm not a question-er of things, and even on the few occasions that I am, I don't care enough to put an effort to find an answer. So yes I do wish I was knowledgable but more than that I wish I showed interest in things or challenged myself and questioned them. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

A Take on Making Mistakes

Is it better to be weighed down by mistakes? Or be oblivious to them?

What if learning from our mistakes isn't true and that it's just something we say to convince ourselves that we evolve and move forward?

What if we never move forward and stay right where we are, yet we paint a different scene around us and believe the illusion we created as a new better place we have lead ourselves to? Then we rejoice in the fact that we're such superior creatures on this earth who are ever changing their place.

I go on making the same mistakes. Do you too?

Saturday, February 6, 2016

You're a Tree

Picture this, you're a tree. Big, steady, solid. Your branches may sway with the wind, but you're always in the same place. People count on you, they find shelter in you for sometime and then move on in their path. And you stay.

They find you in full bloom, it shifts their mood, changes their state of mind, they stop sulking even if only temporarily. They don't acknowledge you. You don't mind.

They find you with your yellow leaves falling. You're drying up. They find it inspiring. So they write poems and songs describing you but we both know, they mean themselves even if they don't realize it. Self-centered, they are. Again, you don't mind.

They find you all dried up. If you're covered by snow, they might forgive what they call as your ugly state, they might not. You're bare to everyone. You look for shelter. Don't find any.

They complain of how quickly you keep changing. You object that it's still the same you on the inside. But they never notice. You want to tell them that you're allowed to feel just as much they are entitled to. Yet, you act like you don't mind.

Inspired by:
We all are leaves to someone, we help them revitalize. And we all are a tree to someone, we help them survive.