Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Naked Thoughts

Always blaming people for my sense of discomfort at being myself around everyone. I'm finally realizing that if there's anyone holding me back it's me. I am reserved because I think that I can't be myself around everyone. But why can't I? Why shouldn't I create that sense of comfort instead of waiting for people to give it to me. We're all selfish. In a way or another. Few are those who make an effort to get to know us for the way we are. Rather than the way they take us for. 
My opinions aren't to be stored in a locker which no one has access to. I can say what I think. Whether I like this or I don't. Yes, it's that simple. I know I have a good capacity for putting up with people but I don't have it. Not with everyone. There's a choice that I have to make to stop all of this worry, I already have several white hairs. Not long before I have more. 
My mother checked my hair the other day and was appalled at the sight of them. She told me to stop having this white hair. She meant to say stop this worrying and anger of yours. I know it's been said a lot but life IS too short. If I care about people and what they think more than what I think then it won't do. Is this a step towards change for the better?  I hope so. I hope it's not just an excited but soon to be forgotten thought. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Noting down an accomplishment

I go out for a jog. Wait, let's pause before I continue and you think I'm this great fit person who exercises. Quite the opposite   I assure you.  Some think I'm slender, my older sister would disagree and say I could do well with a few kilos off. I switch between jogging and walking as I'm out of breath after 3 rounds in the basketball field.  Not so fit, see. But I manage to keep a good pace as I outwalk an older girl who's content with her slow pace, surely thinking of deeper issues as my self centred thoughts are residing.  

Having finished with an anatomy exam this morning, I try to brush away thoughts of it. Another girl might contemplate on which muscles are acting on her joints as she's walking because we've just finished the lower limb. But I do not. My thoughts wander to the book Im reading, The Hunger Games. How fast would I react when confronted with a life or death situation? My odds aren't good I tell myself. I fasten my pace, trying to shed off some fat that I've been eating for lack of food options around. The girl in the book is so sure of herself even though she won't acknowledge it. Storming off and slamming doors, not caring that she appears hostile and push people away. Huda-centered thoughts tell me that I can be or maybe am hostile but rarely show it to people. But why? I mean strangers who don't know you, why should they have a certain image of you? 

Self insecurity is the last thing on my mind I want to attack me so I focus on keeping a steady pace and not losing balance and falling off. I hear a girl shouting something as her friends start laughing, it was in paki and I had my headphones on so I had no idea what she said but it did register in my mind that she was cheering for me to keep at it. I ignore as I don't know the girl well enough to afford looking like a fool in front of her. Plus I need this time by myself unconcerned with what they might say or think. As much as I can manage that. 

Good night!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

يوميات جامعية #01


هل سيقتل الطب أي حس إبداعي لدي؟ هذا ما بدأته أخشاه مع مرور الأيام. لن أدعي بأني فتاة مبدعة إلى أبعد الحدود و لكن ربما إلى اقرب الحدود قليلا. 
يومي  يمر بسرعة البرق مع محاضرات و ضغط دراسي و تحضير وجبات غذائية أحاول التنويع بها بقدر ما تسمح أدوات المطبخ بذلك. و عندما تقترب الساعة الواحدة بعد منتصف الليل أجد نفسي منهكة  كليا. بتلك اللحظة بالذات تبدأ المناقشات المحبطة تدور في رأسي. مع الأسف لا يمكن أن يمر يوما و يجلب معه شعور بالرضا عن ما درست في ذلك اليوم و بما أني أقضي اليوم بين تضييع الوقت و الدراسة الشكلية لذا أنا في فقد كبير للرضا في حياتي لأني ببساطة لا أفعل أي شئ يجلب لي السعادة أو على الأقل يفرغ من الشحنات المكومة عندي. 
لقد أنهيت كتاب قبل قليل، لا أنكر بأنني تكاسلت كثيرا فيه و كان يجب أن أنهيه منذ فترة ولكن دعونا من تفكيري المضني و لندعوه بإنجاز اليوم. 
 
هل هذه محاولة لتسليط الضوء عما يجري و ربما من خلالها إصلاح الخلل؟ كلي أمل بذلك. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

إنسانية مفقودة

من يجرؤ على إلزامك بطريقة تفكيرهم؟ على غزو فضاء امنياتك و وضع حدود ضيقة أينما يشاء؟ أيعقل يا إنسان أن ترفض جميع هذه القيود لكنك تبرر لنفسك عندما تفرضها على غيرك؟ ألا رادع لك يا من يجوب بقاع هذه الارض العتيقة بحرية؟ أمات الضمير؟ تنام ليلا هانئا لا منغص عليك. أراك تتحسف معي و انت تقرأ هذا يا هذا. لا عليك فقد هاجر الضمير الذي ولد معك الى الجبال العتيدة. لا تقلق عليه فقد اكتشف حديثاً أن الجبال بصخرها لديها إنسانيتك التي تخليت عنها.