Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Internship - July 2017

Internship is over. Emotions always running high. Sometimes I feel that I made a difference, rare are those days. But plenty are the days where I feel unappreciated, stressed, defeated, hiding in a corner fighting back the tears.
They keep juggling us into different teams. Every month, I have to adapt to new people.
I had to learn to say no.
There's no clear job description for us interns. Hence I've struggled in the beginning of finding that out. At times, I am left with sick patients who I shouldn't be handling without the immediate recognition that they're situation is critical, and at others I am left to do the work nobody wants to do.
I stopped caring about being liked, I will make an effort if I like you, if not then so be it.
It doesn't matter if nobody notices you're there and you stick around in case anything goes wrong. Well, sometimes it does matter, and more than often people notice. And it pushes me a little ahead when they do.
Interns, basically, are the bottom of the healthcare system. Some don't know what to do with us. Some don't know what to do without us. We're the easiest to blame. And when we fight back, they get the shock of their lives. I should have been sterner, and in many occasions I should not have taken the blame, but I did.
It's been an enriching experience. Whether it's a patient you learn from on a medical level or on a life level. Specially when you're afraid you will lose your compassion. Or it's a doctor who takes the time to teach you, correct you or share their life experiences with you.
It hasn't been all that frustrating, No. I felt like I was finally part of the team. I had patients I was in charge of. I was left to arrange things for them and at times fight for them when different teams are juggling their responsibility.
I didn't save any lives, rather I made many mistakes. But I've learned so much.
Oncalls were mostly light for me. I've been lucky that no big disasters happened on my watch, at least I pretend it was on my watch. Spending 24 hours in the hospital, most of the times it was more than that, it was never just 24 hours. Your best self leaves you surely by the beginning of the oncall or somewhere at night when they keep calling you to put this prescription or for other reasons.
The real struggle of being an intern slips through this post as I cannot simply put into enough words to explain to you what it was like. 

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