وداع. مطار. دموع. سيناريو كلاسيكي

هل لنا أية تحكم بالشكل الذي تغيّرنا به الأيام بعد ما تصهرنا الأحداث؟ أم أن الحسرة هي كل ما هو مسموح لنا  في هذه العملية المحزنة؟ 

لا أدري إن كان الجو السائد من الحزن في ذهني هو نتيجة يوم غير حافل أم أن الدموع التي ذرفتها في وداع صديقة اليوم قد جلبت هذا الحزن. خصوصا بأن ذلك الوداع كان في مطار قد شهد على العديد منها. ففقد أي اهتمام بما يجري فيه و أصبح شاهدا بلا شعور و تركني مع كلمات تتوق شوقا لأتفوه بها لكن يأبى لساني و تحملها دموعي بدلا عنه. 

و في طريق العودة التفتت لي صديقتي الأخرى لتخبرني بأنها ظنّت بأنني أقوى من ذلك. من عدم تملك أي قدرة على التحكم بمشاعري. لم أتفاجأ بهذا فإني على علم بالشكل الذي أظهر به أمام الناس. نظرتي حادة و أجيد التصنع بعدم الاهتمام لكن قلبي ليس بحدة نظراتي. بل العكس تماما. لكن أنا متأكدة بأن معظم من حولي لم يدركوا هذا بعد. 

هذا كل ما سمحت لي أصابعي بكتابته. اعذروني على فوضاويته. 

Naked Thoughts

Always blaming people for my sense of discomfort at being myself around everyone. I'm finally realizing that if there's anyone holding me back it's me. I am reserved because I think that I can't be myself around everyone. But why can't I? Why shouldn't I create that sense of comfort instead of waiting for people to give it to me. We're all selfish. In a way or another. Few are those who make an effort to get to know us for the way we are. Rather than the way they take us for. 

My opinions aren't to be stored in a locker which no one has access to. I can say what I think. Whether I like this or I don't. Yes, it's that simple. I know I have a good capacity for putting up with people but I don't have it. Not with everyone. There's a choice that I have to make to stop all of this worry, I already have several white hairs. Not long before I have more. 

My mother checked my hair the other day and was appalled at the sight of them. She told me to stop having this white hair. She meant to say stop this worrying and anger of yours. I know it's been said a lot but life IS too short. If I care about people and what they think more than what I think then it won't do. Is this a step towards change for the better?  I hope so. I hope it's not just an excited but soon to be forgotten thought. 

Noting down an accomplishment

I go out for a jog. Wait, let's pause before I continue and you think I'm this great fit person who exercises. Quite the opposite   I assure you.  Some think I'm slender, my older sister would disagree and say I could do well with a few kilos off. I switch between jogging and walking as I'm out of breath after 3 rounds in the basketball field.  Not so fit, see. But I manage to keep a good pace as I outwalk an older girl who's content with her slow pace, surely thinking of deeper issues as my self centred thoughts are residing.  

Having finished with an anatomy exam this morning, I try to brush away thoughts of it. Another girl might contemplate on which muscles are acting on her joints as she's walking because we've just finished the lower limb. But I do not. My thoughts wander to the book Im reading, The Hunger Games. How fast would I react when confronted with a life or death situation? My odds aren't good I tell myself. I fasten my pace, trying to shed off some fat that I've been eating for lack of food options around. The girl in the book is so sure of herself even though she won't acknowledge it. Storming off and slamming doors, not caring that she appears hostile and push people away. Huda-centered thoughts tell me that I can be or maybe am hostile but rarely show it to people. But why? I mean strangers who don't know you, why should they have a certain image of you? 

Self insecurity is the last thing on my mind I want to attack me so I focus on keeping a steady pace and not losing balance and falling off. I hear a girl shouting something as her friends start laughing, it was in paki and I had my headphones on so I had no idea what she said but it did register in my mind that she was cheering for me to keep at it. I ignore as I don't know the girl well enough to afford looking like a fool in front of her. Plus I need this time by myself unconcerned with what they might say or think. As much as I can manage that. 

Good night!

يوميات جامعية #01

هل سيقتل الطب أي حس إبداعي لدي؟ هذا ما بدأته أخشاه مع مرور الأيام. لن أدعي بأني فتاة مبدعة إلى أبعد الحدود و لكن ربما إلى اقرب الحدود قليلا. 

يومي  يمر بسرعة البرق مع محاضرات و ضغط دراسي و تحضير وجبات غذائية أحاول التنويع بها بقدر ما تسمح أدوات المطبخ بذلك. و عندما تقترب الساعة الواحدة بعد منتصف الليل أجد نفسي منهكة  كليا. بتلك اللحظة بالذات تبدأ المناقشات المحبطة تدور في رأسي. مع الأسف لا يمكن أن يمر يوما و يجلب معه شعور بالرضا عن ما درست في ذلك اليوم و بما أني أقضي اليوم بين تضييع الوقت و الدراسة الشكلية لذا أنا في فقد كبير للرضا في حياتي لأني ببساطة لا أفعل أي شئ يجلب لي السعادة أو على الأقل يفرغ من الشحنات المكومة عندي. 

لقد أنهيت كتاب قبل قليل، لا أنكر بأنني تكاسلت كثيرا فيه و كان يجب أن أنهيه منذ فترة ولكن دعونا من تفكيري المضني و لندعوه بإنجاز اليوم. 

 

هل هذه محاولة لتسليط الضوء عما يجري و ربما من خلالها إصلاح الخلل؟ كلي أمل بذلك. 

إنسانية مفقودة

من يجرؤ على إلزامك بطريقة تفكيرهم؟ على غزو فضاء امنياتك و وضع حدود ضيقة أينما يشاء؟ أيعقل يا إنسان أن ترفض جميع هذه القيود لكنك تبرر لنفسك عندما تفرضها على غيرك؟ ألا رادع لك يا من يجوب بقاع هذه الارض العتيقة بحرية؟ أمات الضمير؟ تنام ليلا هانئا لا منغص عليك. أراك تتحسف معي و انت تقرأ هذا يا هذا. لا عليك فقد هاجر الضمير الذي ولد معك الى الجبال العتيدة. لا تقلق عليه فقد اكتشف حديثاً أن الجبال بصخرها لديها إنسانيتك التي تخليت عنها. 

A Spark of Faith

I, hereby, post this for Noor El-Terk. Because she likes cheesy. <3


With hopes she wasn't fully asleep yet, he turned in bed. And with the street light that fell purposely on her side of the pillow, he saw the tears that were calling out to him. Instinctively he reached out for her and swiftly turned her towards him. Only then did she let out her first muffled sob that gave way to more tears, unexplained even to herself.

"I wish I was a rock, like you, unmoved by all the waves that hit me."

He pondered what seemed to be the result of a long thinking and whispered gently, "You forget that this rock you're talking about is yours. It would take those hits you get gladly, for you."

"I want you to promise me to always forgive my inconsistencies," said she, "I'm weak and I fear not living up to your expectations of me."

In the friction of the second he hesitated, she broke down completely. As he admitted silently to her weakness, or so she interpreted it. He held her tighter trying to keep her in once piece as he whispered, "It all depends on one thing. If you love me consistently then I will forgive you everything else."

"I will" said she as she finally closed her eyes, rested her pounding head on his chest and not so long after, slept.

He tried to recall why he sought for her earlier, but smiled slightly at the realisation that there needn't be a reason for it.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Oman Mobile!

Unfulfilled days

You know when you don't want to sleep? Even though it's late and you feel tired. But it's like there's something you're meant to do. Or maybe something you were supposed to do in your day but you didn't. Like the Quran you were meant to open and read. To prove that you were going to commit to your Ramadan resolutions. Or that topic you wanted to learn more about but once you're on your laptop, you're distracted by a million updates to check. Or that friend you completely forgot you had, but always put a mental note to check upon when they remembered you and made you smile. Or giving life to an idea you've been wanting to form into words for so long, but fearing it won't be as good as it is in your head. Or that unexpected call you were gonna make and tell your friend that you miss them. Or spending time with your family, instead of that phone you gaze at all the time. Or that part of your room you've been wanting to tidy and clean everytime you look at but that 24 hours the day never seems enough for your never-accomplished plans.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Oman Mobile!