A Pat on the Shoulder

Let’s get into the habit of appreciating our big and small moments. We wallow in grief, so why shouldn’t we be happy about our accomplishments for longer, and not jumping straight away to the next step. 

Today was a good day for me. So this is documenting it. This blog sure could use a happy post. 

I’ve been running from one step to the next without really ever stopping at any of them to rejoice what I’ve accomplished so far. It surely wasn’t easy, some parts of it felt like I was running in a never ending race. But it had stops, I just didn’t celebrate each small achievement. 

I didn’t always see the big picture, and more often than not I lost my motivation, but it doesn’t matter because in the end I managed to pull through. 

I also met a person who is so close to my heart today. So really it was a great day. 

I still don’t have a clear plan for my future. As some parts of my life figured themselves out, hopefully the coming ones do so as well. 

Finally let’s thank twitter for increasing its word limit because this was meant as a long tweet but turned into a post. 

March 2018

March came and went. Here’s to it (in no particular order):

• The course: this 18-day long course that started in mid February and extended till mid March which was to  prepare us for the exam we were going to take ended up being more than we signed up for. Extensive and exhausting but never a dull moment in that classroom. The path I took was guaranteed to keep me a student for the rest of my life anyway and this surely took me back to my student days. 
• Nema: finally getting to meet Nema. She’s such a real and genuine person. An inspiration truly. My testimony might be biased because of the food she cooked for us, but still there’s truth in there. 
• The exam: all the stress it brought on and the restlessness. In the end, it was just an exam. 
• Snow: so beautiful. Might be mundane to many but not to me. Could it be from the excitement of seeing it for the first (and second) time? Only time will tell. 
• Turning 26: no matter how much I was willing this not to happen, it did. Just the number makes me feel old. On the 17th, it snowed again (thank you, London!) but I was stuck indoors for a mock exam. It wasn’t that bad though, I felt blessed to have people who cared about me and made me feel the warmth even in that weather. 

• Noor <3: maybe what I said up there “in no particular order” doesn’t apply here because I decidedly kept this to the end. So I met Noor for the second time, after almost three years. She made all effort to see me and was always there for me, saw me in states when I wasn’t feeling the best. I continue to learn how to be a good friend from her, I find in her amazing patience, acceptance and I’m grateful to have met her the few times we did according to our slightly conflicting time schedules (mine to blame the most). I know you don’t want to hear this but thank you for everything and for being you. 

Decide.

How did you learn the art of choosing? You make decisions so easily, it's quite unnerving to be honest. It's like you know every detail of yourself and choose accordingly. Thus, making my insecure self in doubt even more.

It's always been difficult to choose. I never knew what I wanted. I could easily tell you what it is I do not want. It has become a pattern. It could mean that I simply am avoiding to choose so I wouldn't hold any responsibility for the consequences of my choice. If I just went with things how they came, then no one to blame.


"I'll have a cheeseburger without lettuce" announces my nephew, maybe it's not so astounding given that most kids avoid their greens but it's the confidence that utters this choice. Or when my niece announces that she wants the Ariel toy that can blow out bubbles. How do they know at such a young age, and I don't?

Whenever I'm presented with a lot of choices or options, I'd either feel pressured and choose randomly or choose something that would be convenient for the other person I'm with. I wouldn't necessarily consider what I liked or what might suit me best.

It's just easier this way. Because who wants to contemplate on how they can't make a simple choice when going out for a nice meal with friends? No, it's not like that really because I'm not aware of this inability in me most of the time. I decide on not deciding and move on.