سنيني

يا سنيني 
اجمعيني
بمن يملك حنيني 

يا صديقي 
احميني
مما يفنيني

يا عيوني 
لا تخوني
ما أخفيه عن كوني 

يا سمائي 
لا تباهي 
بما يزهو ببالي

Tired of myself

You can't blame me for feeling whatever it is I'm feeling. I can't help it.

I've always implored myself to keep quiet and let things go. But it won't listen to me, it always betrays me and says everything I've been trying to hide. I know blaming people does no good. But however silly the thing is, I end up saying it. People have their reasons for the things they do, mostly. I often end up feeling like it's my fault in the first place to be upset. That's how I work. The only person feeling guilty in the end is me. I'm left with doubts and insecurities as ancient as I am. And I know if they have any plans of leaving, they would have ages ago. But no, these insecurities are too attached to me. But I'm tired of myself and of people, of this feeling of guilt. I want to take a break of it. I don't want everything turning up against me and making me feel worse.

I'm not very good at cheering myself up. But I'm trying my best. Then a word gets thrown my way dismantles everything. But I'm really trying.

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Exposing Dreams

My dreams expose my heart
What my heart tries to hide shyly
They come and toss it publicly
They even point out my flaws at me
I wake up confused
Why would they do such a thing?

You do not visit my dreams
You've been residing in them lately
And you bring along weaknesses
Those I've been trying to forget
And as I'm about to sleep
I'm wondering whether you're about to emerge with a new flaw

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ناجاني قلبي

قال لي قلبي اليانع:
اتركيني هنا على الوسادة
و اذهبي لقضاء يومكِ كما شئتِ بدوني
أريد أن أبقى هنا و أتدثر جيداً
أصحو على زقزقة العصافير
أتأرجح ما بين النسمات
و لا أبالي لشيء


و ارجعي لي كل ليلة
و اخبريني عن حديث العيون
لا أريد أن أسمع القيل و القال
بل عن الذي لم يقال
فأنتِ يا حلوتي أكبر مثال
أنتِ تتحدثين عبر عينيكِ

و سوف أناجيكِ و أنتِ نائمة
و أمسحُ ذاك التعب الذي يعتري خديكِ
لا تظني يا حلوتي أني لا أبالي بكِ
لكننا متعبان
أنا و أنتِ
سأرتاح قليلاً
كي أرجعُ أقوى منكِ
و أحمل ألمكِ كما وعدتكِ
فهل تسمحين لي؟

School

6am. I look out of the window and see students walking in the street waiting for their school buses to come. 3 years ago, I'd be up by this time and get ready for school. As the bus comes at 6.25am and doesn't wait at all for us. I'd probably miss it and wake my mother up to give me a ride to school and I would miss the morning assembly or walk in to the tutorial we had during the morning assembly late, where I'd grin at my classmates who are used to me being late more than anything. I'd spend the first three lessons yawning shamelessly, and some girls would yawn and look at me and blame me because my yawning is so contagious. By the time the first break comes I'd be alert. It was a war zone at the cafeteria where girls from grade 5 to grade 12 fought to buy something to eat before the break was over. No one stood in line. I'd rarely go myself to buy because I knew it was a waste of time where little girls would sneak in between my legs or so I often joked about it. I'd let some classmates buy me crisps or chocolate, choosing the ones that can't say no. Then lessons would proceed and either I'd be bored to death with the lesson or as hyper as shouting to get the teacher's attention to pick me to answer. Yes that was in grade 12 mind you. We enjoyed such childish behaviors. Then came the 2nd break before the 8th (last) lesson. We'd spend it eating or joking around or copying homeworks from one another. We'd sit in front of our class and I'd take any opportunity to goof around, maybe sit on my friend's lap and force my whole weight on her. It wasn't done out of affection or hugging but mere joking around. Then the last lesson would come and each would be thinking of going home, having lunch and a nap. Then after lessons are all over we'd pack our bags and head to the gate. While waiting for the bus to come we'd spend time chatting with little girls who always had amusing questions or things to say. Some of them marvelled at the curve of my chin and wished they had one. I was surprised to see such observant 11 year olds.

Yes, I was rather shameless about everything. I sat in the last row and commented about silly things while teachers looked away. But they loved me and I tried my best to keep up with the amount of pressure and expectations. And I succeeded and managed to enjoy my last year at school. As my sister was in a different class so I had full liberty to make a fool of myself and not have anyone nagging on me to stop this or that. But I said it more than once that I won't ever miss school. Ever. My stride then was as confident as could be. However I had deep rooted fears of not being able to make it. Still, I miss who I was then.

I know I'm painting such a bright picture of how things were. Maybe because I miss it. But it was all studying and tests and home works and research to be done. But stress and pressure were dealt with at home, at school all was forgotten. Yes, there were some girls who envied me, didn't wish me well, were jealous, tried to make me look bad in front of some teachers. There were some teachers who embarrassed me in front of the whole class but those girls who were my classmates I'd known for years. I would hold grudges against some teachers and often get teased about being that teacher's favourite. I'd unwillingly give some girls whom I didn't like very much my notebooks to copy from. I'd receive 'huda what's wrong?' countless times from teachers who'd interrupt their lesson to ask, not knowing I was finding their lesson boring to death or that I couldn't stand them.

But I didn't want any of it. I couldn't wait to get out. I was expecting so much from the world. School wasn't where I belonged. I was meant for so much more. And even though I was uncertain about what I wanted to major in in uni, I didn't worry about it because I knew that I'd be able to get into whatever I decided upon in the end. Thing is the world doesn't have much to offer, that much I now know. Enough said.

P.S it was foolish of me to think I can stuff all the memories in one post, but that was my failed attempt at it.
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Frowns at This Heart

The dawn is breaking. Birds have started chirping and I am denied sleep. I've been restless for days now. I get up dizzily and can't even walk a straight line, yet when I place my head on the pillow I feel widely awake. All thoughts swarm into my head and keep me alert. I toss and turn, on and off, but I can feel every move around me.

My heart's been shifted in its position a little bit, where it's been squeezed around the edges in its new place. It doesn't fit there. I don't know how to bring it back to its place. I want to be at rest. You're a pain, my heart. Go back to your place and torture me no longer, I beg of you. I'm scared. And I'm admitting it to you with all vulnerability.

I am tired and I need to be taken care of like a child. I need to be fed, comforted, looked after, held tight, engrossed in warmth that make my body resist no longer and sleep. I need a shield against my thoughts, where it'd block them from reaching me.
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Carry me

A vulnerable heartbeat
Almost fragile
But heard and felt, it is
My breathes fear unsettling those beats even more
Eyes soaked with tears
Weak knees, barely wanting to move
A throat that refuses to swallow
Shakiness even in those words
Restlessness
Every bone of my body needs reassuring
That it'll all be alright

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