Inhibitions

Inhibitions, go away. 

I want my actions to match my heart's wishes. 

I'm scared, 

I don't want to be seen as cruel 

I am not 

But the way I act...

I can't show my vulnerability. 

Why can't I? 

Oh inhibitions, won't you go away? 

All the rules I make myself go by. 

I need to break a few. 

بسيطة أنا

هل من الممكن فعلا أن لا يكون لدي ما أقول؟ لماذا لا أملك من الأسرار التي يمكن البوح بها؟ ليس من المعقول أن يكون حديثي مع الأصحاب كله كلام مكرر. ألا يحدث معي موقفا يستحق الذكر؟ 

قديما كنت أظن أنني غامضة بعض الشيء و كنت سعيدة بهذا الظن و لكن زمن هذه الأفكار قد ولى و أصبحت ميقنة بأنني بعيدة كل البعد عن الغموض. فأنا كتاب مفتوح يقرأه من يأخذ قليلا من الوقت لمعايتنه و صمتي غالبا لا يدل على الكثير. 

و بين خيبة أمل و تمني أن أن أطابق في الحقيقة الصورة التي وضعتها لنفسي، شيئا فشيئا بدأت أتقبل نفسي كما هي. أحيانا أحرز التقدم و أحيانا كثيرة أفشل في ذلك. 

لا عيب بأن أكون فتاة بسيطة لا تثير إعجاب الجميع. فأنا لم أخلق لهذا الغرض، هذا ما يجب أن أذكّر نفسي به بين الحين و الآخر. 

Wild Fire

I watch you glancing at those who pass you by.
Your face so curious and mine a mirror of yours.
I listen to the conversations addressed to you,
and ignore the ones directed at me.


My existence is bound around you,
like the flame around a candle's string.
Just imagine what I'd be without you,
a fire so wild unbound by a string.

I don't want you to be the end of me.
 

Places

And the places we left behind long for us.

We were kind to them. 

We stopped to appreciate their beauty. 

We gave their corners fond looks.  

They listened to our conversations 

and laughed politely at my jokes 

while you ignored them.

They wait for us. 

Not knowing that we exist separately now.

Some Friendships Come With Expiry Dates

Is friendship a one-sided give and never take? Or is it dumping all your internal conflicts and issues on others expecting them to carry them around as their own? Is it thinking twice before you say anything and losing all spontaneity?
Enough about trying to unravel the true meaning of friendship that I am convinced most around me lack any sense of, when even I don't know whom to call a friend and whom an acquaintance?
How much should I worried about the prospect of not caring about the possibility that I might become more distant to someone I called a friend? Who am I to judge on whom the blame falls and how do I know whether I am the good person I take myself for?
It's not in my nature to become invested in friendships, not many at least. If anyone was observant enough to notice (which most of us aren't, if it weren't me I wouldn't have noticed it), they'd see how I don't really open up to most of my friends, I don't talk about what things I care about or things that worry me constantly. I'm comfortable this way. That is why I'm always surprised at how easily some find it to talk about their existential issues in life.

الحب هو ارتباك الأدوار بين الآخذ و المعطي
- مريد البرغوثي

Memories of My Childhood

A friend of mine posted photos from her childhood. I viewed them with envy. I wish I had pictures of my childhood. Maybe I have some but they're somewhere in Iraq. And then I started wondering if I've had a fun childhood. I've lived the first 7 years of my life in Iraq. All the memories I have of that time are very dear to me. Me and Noor (my twin sister) running to welcome baba when he came home from work and he'd drop the bags he's carrying and carry us both instead. This had to be somewhere before 1997 (as he left Iraq that year for better work opportunities and therefore be able to support us better) which means that I was 5. I remember being the girl who always fainted, broke her hair slides when she was angry and was the "evil" twin.

I remember leaving my friends and going to Jordan when I was 7. I remember writing letters to my best friend (who stayed in Iraq). I haven't heard from her in years.

When most Iraqis suffered from power cuts, we never did as the area we lived in was supplied by the same supply for nearby factories. I remember how my grandmother, may her soul rest in peace, used complain of her eyesight and still be able to recognize actors on tv. I remember when it was damp after a light pour of rain, we used to go out in the garden and find colorful ladybirds on bright green leaves. I remember sleeping in one place and waking up in another and being convinced that I sleep walked.

But I never learnt how to ride a bicycle, how to swim, how to dance ballet. I've had best friends who left me or I left them as either moved to a different country. I felt like an outsider. And that feeling stayed with me for a long time. I still remember leaving Iraq in 1999 and how we stopped in the middle of nowhere because we ran out of petrol. How my sister buried her face through it all because she didn't want to leave Iraq.

Maybe these don't qualify my childhood to be called happy but I wasn't sad when I was a kid, I didn't know any better, and going to exotic places doesn't make it a 'happy' childhood. When my older siblings talk about the wonderful playful childhood they've had as they lived in better times. But still the fact that I spent 7 years of it in Iraq brings me immense joy. I love it whether it was boring or not. 

21 عام

21 عام لم تعلمني العديد من الأشياء. قد تبدو بالقليل بالنسبة للبعض و لكنّي أظن بأنها كافية كي تعلمني بعض دروس الحياة.

21 عام  لم أعرف بها متى ألجأ إلى الصمت و متى يكون لكلامي وقع.

21 عام لم أكتشف ماذا أريد أن أفعل بحياتي. فظللت مسيَّرة في خياراتي.

21 عام فشلت في محاولاتي العديدة لجعلي أنضج. ها أنا ذا أتلعثم كطفلة لا تعرف التعبير عما بداخلها و عما تريد.

21 عام و ما زلت أهرب من المواجهات و أتجنبها.

21 عام لم تفارق خيبة الأمل معظم أيامها، لا ألومها على هذا فيوم تزول خيبة الأمل لن يكون هناك أية أمل بعدها.

21 عام و أنا أصحى من النوم و في داخلي غضب لا داعي له.

21 عام  ما زلت أسعى فيها أن أثبت قدمي على ما أؤمن به.

21 عام و ثقتي بنفسي تتأثر بعوامل قد لا أصرح بها فهي تعلو و تهبط متبعة معادلة رياضية أجهلها

21 عام و أنا في الدوامة ذاتها. أريد أن أغيّر بنفسي العديد من الأشياء و لكني أهواها فجأة في اللحظة الحاسمة لأنها تجعلني أنا 

21 عام لم أفلح فيها في إخفاء لحظات استيائي و انفعالي فوجهي شاشة عرض لما يدور بداخلي

21 عام بهُتَ فيها الكلام عما تعلّ به قلبي. فكان (مهما كان و من كان) أسمى من الحديث عنه

21 عام لم تعلمني كيف أحفظ سر هاذين الرقمين كباقي النساء. ها أنا أفصح به و أعيده في كل سطر ربما ثورة على هذا التحفظ الشائع.