Letters to Salima (2)

 Dear Salima,

Things are ever changing. The stars are not aligned for the world this year it seems (what I have learned from watching Indian Matchmaking).  

I have moved out of Wales. Me and Noor have been living together for just over a week. I have taken a month off in August. I am about to start specialty training in September which is what the last 4 years of my life have been leading to.

 

It’s all rather exciting. Moving to a new city (just by the beach, Muscat vibes minus the heat and karak). Reunited with Noor (yes, we are annoying each other 24/7 but how boring would it be if we got along all the time). 

July has been such a good month. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of people at work when I was leaving. Eid came by, but instead of looking at it that I was spending it away from home and family, I felt grateful for spending it with my second family in the small town I was in. Leaving Wales was difficult but I felt really loved. 

I do miss home immensely. 

Things I appreciate about myself:

1. I am straightforward. Although, I can be that to a fault. But I have come to see it as a positive. I don’t know how to lie even if my life depended on it. 
2. I am passionate. About anything and everything.
3. Figuring out how to adult. I am starting to get the hang of it and force myself to do all the boring tasks that need doing. (Noor will disagree and say she did the flat hunt and all that needed doing for our move)

PS. Your stories on social media always bring me joy. You also add class to my timeline. 

Yours forever and ever,

Huda

Letters to Salima (1)

Dearest Salima (and Noor),

Greetings from Wales. Ramadan Kareem.

Hope you are well and taking care of yourself during this lockdown and Ramadan. 

Even though you described your letter/blog to be short, but it is so full of emotions. Even though you said "enough about me", we can never have enough of you. Somehow the bits you thought were about you were actually you thinking about others, and that is how I've always seen you: so selfless. 

I am sorry about your friend. I do understand where you are coming from, perhaps it is for all of us to live more each day and try and make the lives of those surrounding us better. And perhaps forgive ourselves when we don't tick off all the things we want to do and the things we want to be. Let us be easy on ourselves when we don't have the energy to fight it all. 

Yes and yes. I sell myself short and I feel under appreciated at times. I have felt replaceable lately as I have been asked to move to a different hospital in view of shortage of staff. It wasn't the fairest of situations and I am still not over it. But I am doing my bit to help. 

It is almost 11pm here. I have been off for a few days. I have been reading. I have taken up home workouts. I have attempted mandazi and failed. I am planning to try it again. I have taken up Spanish on Duolingo. I have been on-and-off affected and down because of this lockdown but then I try and count my blessings. I am trying to boast to make my days not feel like a waste. 

The main thought I think that has been constantly playing in my mind is my family. This lockdown has accentuated the distance between me and my family. I am glad me and Noor got to see everyone before all the travel restrictions. I am scared for family, my parents to be specific. I try to push these thoughts away, but this won't be a letter from the heart if I didn't share this thought. And perhaps in sharing it, I can try and push it back for awhile now. 

What has been helping you to get through these difficult times?

Thank you for the first letter and this initiative. I am looking forward to the next one.

Yours,

Huda

A Pat on the Shoulder

Let’s get into the habit of appreciating our big and small moments. We wallow in grief, so why shouldn’t we be happy about our accomplishments for longer, and not jumping straight away to the next step. 

Today was a good day for me. So this is documenting it. This blog sure could use a happy post. 

I’ve been running from one step to the next without really ever stopping at any of them to rejoice what I’ve accomplished so far. It surely wasn’t easy, some parts of it felt like I was running in a never ending race. But it had stops, I just didn’t celebrate each small achievement. 

I didn’t always see the big picture, and more often than not I lost my motivation, but it doesn’t matter because in the end I managed to pull through. 

I also met a person who is so close to my heart today. So really it was a great day. 

I still don’t have a clear plan for my future. As some parts of my life figured themselves out, hopefully the coming ones do so as well. 

Finally let’s thank twitter for increasing its word limit because this was meant as a long tweet but turned into a post. 

March 2018

March came and went. Here’s to it (in no particular order):

• The course: this 18-day long course that started in mid February and extended till mid March which was to  prepare us for the exam we were going to take ended up being more than we signed up for. Extensive and exhausting but never a dull moment in that classroom. The path I took was guaranteed to keep me a student for the rest of my life anyway and this surely took me back to my student days. 
• Nema: finally getting to meet Nema. She’s such a real and genuine person. An inspiration truly. My testimony might be biased because of the food she cooked for us, but still there’s truth in there. 
• The exam: all the stress it brought on and the restlessness. In the end, it was just an exam. 
• Snow: so beautiful. Might be mundane to many but not to me. Could it be from the excitement of seeing it for the first (and second) time? Only time will tell. 
• Turning 26: no matter how much I was willing this not to happen, it did. Just the number makes me feel old. On the 17th, it snowed again (thank you, London!) but I was stuck indoors for a mock exam. It wasn’t that bad though, I felt blessed to have people who cared about me and made me feel the warmth even in that weather. 

• Noor <3: maybe what I said up there “in no particular order” doesn’t apply here because I decidedly kept this to the end. So I met Noor for the second time, after almost three years. She made all effort to see me and was always there for me, saw me in states when I wasn’t feeling the best. I continue to learn how to be a good friend from her, I find in her amazing patience, acceptance and I’m grateful to have met her the few times we did according to our slightly conflicting time schedules (mine to blame the most). I know you don’t want to hear this but thank you for everything and for being you. 

Decide.

How did you learn the art of choosing? You make decisions so easily, it's quite unnerving to be honest. It's like you know every detail of yourself and choose accordingly. Thus, making my insecure self in doubt even more.

It's always been difficult to choose. I never knew what I wanted. I could easily tell you what it is I do not want. It has become a pattern. It could mean that I simply am avoiding to choose so I wouldn't hold any responsibility for the consequences of my choice. If I just went with things how they came, then no one to blame.


"I'll have a cheeseburger without lettuce" announces my nephew, maybe it's not so astounding given that most kids avoid their greens but it's the confidence that utters this choice. Or when my niece announces that she wants the Ariel toy that can blow out bubbles. How do they know at such a young age, and I don't?

Whenever I'm presented with a lot of choices or options, I'd either feel pressured and choose randomly or choose something that would be convenient for the other person I'm with. I wouldn't necessarily consider what I liked or what might suit me best.

It's just easier this way. Because who wants to contemplate on how they can't make a simple choice when going out for a nice meal with friends? No, it's not like that really because I'm not aware of this inability in me most of the time. I decide on not deciding and move on.

Internship - July 2017

Internship is over. Emotions always running high. Sometimes I feel that I made a difference, rare are those days. But plenty are the days where I feel unappreciated, stressed, defeated, hiding in a corner fighting back the tears.
They keep juggling us into different teams. Every month, I have to adapt to new people.
I had to learn to say no.
There's no clear job description for us interns. Hence I've struggled in the beginning of finding that out. At times, I am left with sick patients who I shouldn't be handling without the immediate recognition that they're situation is critical, and at others I am left to do the work nobody wants to do.
I stopped caring about being liked, I will make an effort if I like you, if not then so be it.
It doesn't matter if nobody notices you're there and you stick around in case anything goes wrong. Well, sometimes it does matter, and more than often people notice. And it pushes me a little ahead when they do.
Interns, basically, are the bottom of the healthcare system. Some don't know what to do with us. Some don't know what to do without us. We're the easiest to blame. And when we fight back, they get the shock of their lives. I should have been sterner, and in many occasions I should not have taken the blame, but I did.
It's been an enriching experience. Whether it's a patient you learn from on a medical level or on a life level. Specially when you're afraid you will lose your compassion. Or it's a doctor who takes the time to teach you, correct you or share their life experiences with you.
It hasn't been all that frustrating, No. I felt like I was finally part of the team. I had patients I was in charge of. I was left to arrange things for them and at times fight for them when different teams are juggling their responsibility.
I didn't save any lives, rather I made many mistakes. But I've learned so much.
Oncalls were mostly light for me. I've been lucky that no big disasters happened on my watch, at least I pretend it was on my watch. Spending 24 hours in the hospital, most of the times it was more than that, it was never just 24 hours. Your best self leaves you surely by the beginning of the oncall or somewhere at night when they keep calling you to put this prescription or for other reasons.
The real struggle of being an intern slips through this post as I cannot simply put into enough words to explain to you what it was like. 

بلدي

حلوة يا بلدي

اي والله حلوة. و تخبلين همين. حلوة بحاراتچ، بناسچ، بطيبهم وكرمهم، حلوة باللمة، و بكل تفاصيلچ

حلوة حتى بعد ما خربوچ و اجيت اشوفچ صامدة مع أنه هدموچ و ما بقى ولا شارع نظيف. ظليتِ حلوة على عنادهم.

ذكريات كل اللي فات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
أتذكر صف أول و  ست سهيلة. طيبة صديقة الطفولة. بيبيتي الله يرحمها. مرجوحة بيتنا. شقاوتي.  المسلسلات المكسيكية. فتحي يا وردة. بيت جدي. بنات عمي.
يشككون بيه لما أگوللهم أني أتذكر هيچ صار. بس مو مهم
و أتذكر اليوم... اللي ودعتچ بي.

قلبي مليان بحكايات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
چنت أتمنى أنه القصص تكون أكثر و أكثر. چنت أتمنى لمن أرجعلچ أگدر أطلع وحدي أتمشى بشوارعچ و اندل طريق بيتنا. بس بيتنا تغير. و حسيتني مثل الغريبة ببلدي . عفتچ أكثر من 10 سنين شنو أتوقع ردة فعلچ تكون؟ أستاهل.

 واكو كومة حچايات جديدة منها الحلو و منها المر. بس يحتاج اگعد وياچ گعدة محترمة لما ارجعلچ عن قريب و نسولف

 تدرين أنهم يگولولي انه حچيي مو عراقي مية بالمية؟  و ما ادري ليش اضايق و اسمعلهم؟ مو مهم رأيهم بس هي كم شغلة اللي تجمعني بيچ و متمسكة بكل شغلة بقوة لأنها تقربني منچ فلما ينتقدوها يعز عليه. 

أملي دايماً كان يا بلدي، إني أرجعلك يا بلدي

عايشة على الأمل. مع إنه دا يصير كلش ضعيف. يوما ما ان شاء الله 

وأفضل دايماً جنبك على طول
  هو حلم. صعب. بس شسوي. يمكن قبل ما كان بإيدي بس كل ما أكبر تصير عندي حرية الاختيار أكثر بس انتظريني ارجعلچ مكونة نفسي و أگدر أساعد أبناء بلدي. حچي مثالي أدري و يمكن حجج بس أدري أنه انتِ مقدرة ظروفي. وأدري أنه ما نسيتيني. صح اني عايفتچ كلش من زمان بس هذا ما ينقص من حبي الچ.

Descriptions.

Kind. 
They say. Happy. Pretty. Strong. Supportive. Well-read. Classy. Helpful.

They say a lot of things.
Don't believe them.

When the truth is
Judgemental. Selfish. Hater. Mean. Ugly. Unforgiving. Ungrateful. Clueless.

Post Med School

So starting with the most important news, I'm no longer a medical student. Yes, I wanted to sort of get it out somewhere, it happened only a few weeks ago. Feels amazing to not have to worry about exams. There's much more responsibility now, but I don't think I've realized its weight yet. I assure myself it's a good thing and quite normal, at least so far. Let me enjoy the long awaited freedom. Sadly, there wasn't a proper break, but I'll take what I can get.
Naturally, I have so many plans and things to do. I've managed to do only few. No surprise there. I've made plans as simple joining a gym to slightly more complicated things like deciding my future. But it's so much easier to dive into a book or indulge in a movie and not think about things or decisions that need to be made. I remind myself that time is running, the next minute I start reading another book.
Oh, and our room has been under renovation ever since we came back. Little have I done to help sort it out.
This is a happy post. I repeat this is a happy post. I'm grateful for everything the way it turned out. I deserve this rejoicing-and-doing-nothing mode.





I always aim for long posts when I start them. But that never happens. Tonight my excuse is that I need to sleep. I'm on-call tomorrow.
Until next time.

Knowledge is Attractive

It's true that I'm in the medical field, and I know a lot of things about diseases and drugs. At least more than the average person. Although most of my professors would disagree and tell you that I'm clueless but take it from me, I know a thing or two. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to brag or show you my vast knowledge. In fact, I think because I'm in this field, I'm only focused on it. I don't know anything about anything that has nothing to do with medicine which might be ok to some because hey, I'm gonna be a doctor soon, who cares about everything else?

I find those who have interest and knowledge about different subjects and fields, attractive. But also I find them intimidating. 

I follow some on twitter, for example. I'd be an avid follower of their tweets, and I might favourite some of them. But never would I reply or discuss anything with them. Same goes to people I know in real life. I wouldn't really argue or ask them questions. Because hey I wouldn't want to show them my ignorance. And a 5 minute conversation (or probably less) would show them how limited my knowledge about things is. 

One thing that I'm also not happy about is that I'm not a question-er of things, and even on the few occasions that I am, I don't care enough to put an effort to find an answer. So yes I do wish I was knowledgable but more than that I wish I showed interest in things or challenged myself and questioned them. 

A Take on Making Mistakes

Is it better to be weighed down by mistakes? Or be oblivious to them?

What if learning from our mistakes isn't true and that it's just something we say to convince ourselves that we evolve and move forward?

What if we never move forward and stay right where we are, yet we paint a different scene around us and believe the illusion we created as a new better place we have lead ourselves to? Then we rejoice in the fact that we're such superior creatures on this earth who are ever changing their place.

I go on making the same mistakes. Do you too?

You're a Tree

Picture this, you're a tree. Big, steady, solid. Your branches may sway with the wind, but you're always in the same place. People count on you, they find shelter in you for sometime and then move on in their path. And you stay.

They find you in full bloom, it shifts their mood, changes their state of mind, they stop sulking even if only temporarily. They don't acknowledge you. You don't mind.

They find you with your yellow leaves falling. You're drying up. They find it inspiring. So they write poems and songs describing you but we both know, they mean themselves even if they don't realize it. Self-centered, they are. Again, you don't mind.

They find you all dried up. If you're covered by snow, they might forgive what they call as your ugly state, they might not. You're bare to everyone. You look for shelter. Don't find any.

They complain of how quickly you keep changing. You object that it's still the same you on the inside. But they never notice. You want to tell them that you're allowed to feel just as much they are entitled to. Yet, you act like you don't mind.

Inspired by:
We all are leaves to someone, we help them revitalize. And we all are a tree to someone, we help them survive.

To tell or not to tell

There's nothing that I wouldn't want to tell you about.

That's what the song says. How beautiful is it though, to fully expose yourself to someone with complete trust.

I always wondered what is ok to disclose about yourself and what isn't. There's no guidebook which tells you, go ahead you can share that or no keep it to yourself.

I'm already very reserved. Which I haven't decided yet if it's a good or bad thing. Most of the things I disclose are said on an impulse, which of course more than half of the time it's followed by regret.

I also worry about what people think of me, more than I should. Which minimizes the things I say to them even more. Most don't know me very well, so I worry they see me as a bad person.

Have that one person, who knows you so well and you can tell them anything and everything. Be safe with them and be silent to the rest.

لا تهتمي

عزيزتي هدى 

تحية و حب لكِ

ولكن

لا تسأليهم عن شيء

لا تطلبي تفسير 

لا تضغطي على أحد

لا تغضبي منهم 

لا تعتبي عليهم 

لا تنفعلي

لا تظهري خيبة أملك 

لا تثوري 

لا تنصحيهم 

لا تجادليهم 

هذا ما يريدون 

لا يدرون أنهم يطلبون منكِ

أن

لا تهتمي 

دعيهم

عزيزتي هدى

تحية لك 

أنا اسفة لأنك تتعلمين أحد الدروس الصعبة في الحياة حاليا. هذا أمر لابد منه. 

دعي من حولك يختارون ما يريدون. دعيهم يقررون ما يناسبهم. ليس من المفروض عليهم أن يأخذوا رأي من يحبون بعين الاعتبار. خصوصا في الأمور التي تخصهم وحدهم. أعرف بأنك تقلقين عليهم و لكن دعيهم، لديهم كامل الحرية بهذا الشيء لذلك عليهم تحمل العواقب. 

انتِ تعلمين أكثر من أي أحد أننا كلنا معرضون للخطأ و كلنا نخطئ، ولكن أخطائنا تختلف بطبيعتها و بحجمها و بتأثيرها علينا أو على من حولنا. 

دعيهم يا هدى. لا تتدخلي كثيرا. أعرف أنك تُفهمين خطأ و قد أصبحتِ لا تكترثين بتصحيح الظنون. من حولك يجيدون التعبير عن مشاعرهم وانتِ لا. 

دعيهم... 

Dream

Dreams can be nice

They can make up for what's missing 

Give you more time with loved ones

Let you relive the good memories

Allow you to make amends

Take you to new places 

Take you to old ones

Give you second chances

So dream 

Dream a little dream of me. 

Inhibitions

Inhibitions, go away. 

I want my actions to match my heart's wishes. 

I'm scared, 

I don't want to be seen as cruel 

I am not 

But the way I act...

I can't show my vulnerability. 

Why can't I? 

Oh inhibitions, won't you go away? 

All the rules I make myself go by. 

I need to break a few. 

بسيطة أنا

هل من الممكن فعلا أن لا يكون لدي ما أقول؟ لماذا لا أملك من الأسرار التي يمكن البوح بها؟ ليس من المعقول أن يكون حديثي مع الأصحاب كله كلام مكرر. ألا يحدث معي موقفا يستحق الذكر؟ 

قديما كنت أظن أنني غامضة بعض الشيء و كنت سعيدة بهذا الظن و لكن زمن هذه الأفكار قد ولى و أصبحت ميقنة بأنني بعيدة كل البعد عن الغموض. فأنا كتاب مفتوح يقرأه من يأخذ قليلا من الوقت لمعايتنه و صمتي غالبا لا يدل على الكثير. 

و بين خيبة أمل و تمني أن أن أطابق في الحقيقة الصورة التي وضعتها لنفسي، شيئا فشيئا بدأت أتقبل نفسي كما هي. أحيانا أحرز التقدم و أحيانا كثيرة أفشل في ذلك. 

لا عيب بأن أكون فتاة بسيطة لا تثير إعجاب الجميع. فأنا لم أخلق لهذا الغرض، هذا ما يجب أن أذكّر نفسي به بين الحين و الآخر. 

Wild Fire

I watch you glancing at those who pass you by.
Your face so curious and mine a mirror of yours.
I listen to the conversations addressed to you,
and ignore the ones directed at me.


My existence is bound around you,
like the flame around a candle's string.
Just imagine what I'd be without you,
a fire so wild unbound by a string.

I don't want you to be the end of me.
 

Places

And the places we left behind long for us.

We were kind to them. 

We stopped to appreciate their beauty. 

We gave their corners fond looks.  

They listened to our conversations 

and laughed politely at my jokes 

while you ignored them.

They wait for us. 

Not knowing that we exist separately now.