Letters to Salima (2)

 Dear Salima,

Things are ever changing. The stars are not aligned for the world this year it seems (what I have learned from watching Indian Matchmaking).  

I have moved out of Wales. Me and Noor have been living together for just over a week. I have taken a month off in August. I am about to start specialty training in September which is what the last 4 years of my life have been leading to.

 

It’s all rather exciting. Moving to a new city (just by the beach, Muscat vibes minus the heat and karak). Reunited with Noor (yes, we are annoying each other 24/7 but how boring would it be if we got along all the time). 

July has been such a good month. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness of people at work when I was leaving. Eid came by, but instead of looking at it that I was spending it away from home and family, I felt grateful for spending it with my second family in the small town I was in. Leaving Wales was difficult but I felt really loved. 

I do miss home immensely. 

Things I appreciate about myself:

1. I am straightforward. Although, I can be that to a fault. But I have come to see it as a positive. I don’t know how to lie even if my life depended on it. 
2. I am passionate. About anything and everything.
3. Figuring out how to adult. I am starting to get the hang of it and force myself to do all the boring tasks that need doing. (Noor will disagree and say she did the flat hunt and all that needed doing for our move)

PS. Your stories on social media always bring me joy. You also add class to my timeline. 

Yours forever and ever,

Huda

Letters to Salima (1)

Dearest Salima (and Noor),

Greetings from Wales. Ramadan Kareem.

Hope you are well and taking care of yourself during this lockdown and Ramadan. 

Even though you described your letter/blog to be short, but it is so full of emotions. Even though you said "enough about me", we can never have enough of you. Somehow the bits you thought were about you were actually you thinking about others, and that is how I've always seen you: so selfless. 

I am sorry about your friend. I do understand where you are coming from, perhaps it is for all of us to live more each day and try and make the lives of those surrounding us better. And perhaps forgive ourselves when we don't tick off all the things we want to do and the things we want to be. Let us be easy on ourselves when we don't have the energy to fight it all. 

Yes and yes. I sell myself short and I feel under appreciated at times. I have felt replaceable lately as I have been asked to move to a different hospital in view of shortage of staff. It wasn't the fairest of situations and I am still not over it. But I am doing my bit to help. 

It is almost 11pm here. I have been off for a few days. I have been reading. I have taken up home workouts. I have attempted mandazi and failed. I am planning to try it again. I have taken up Spanish on Duolingo. I have been on-and-off affected and down because of this lockdown but then I try and count my blessings. I am trying to boast to make my days not feel like a waste. 

The main thought I think that has been constantly playing in my mind is my family. This lockdown has accentuated the distance between me and my family. I am glad me and Noor got to see everyone before all the travel restrictions. I am scared for family, my parents to be specific. I try to push these thoughts away, but this won't be a letter from the heart if I didn't share this thought. And perhaps in sharing it, I can try and push it back for awhile now. 

What has been helping you to get through these difficult times?

Thank you for the first letter and this initiative. I am looking forward to the next one.

Yours,

Huda

A Pat on the Shoulder

Let’s get into the habit of appreciating our big and small moments. We wallow in grief, so why shouldn’t we be happy about our accomplishments for longer, and not jumping straight away to the next step. 

Today was a good day for me. So this is documenting it. This blog sure could use a happy post. 

I’ve been running from one step to the next without really ever stopping at any of them to rejoice what I’ve accomplished so far. It surely wasn’t easy, some parts of it felt like I was running in a never ending race. But it had stops, I just didn’t celebrate each small achievement. 

I didn’t always see the big picture, and more often than not I lost my motivation, but it doesn’t matter because in the end I managed to pull through. 

I also met a person who is so close to my heart today. So really it was a great day. 

I still don’t have a clear plan for my future. As some parts of my life figured themselves out, hopefully the coming ones do so as well. 

Finally let’s thank twitter for increasing its word limit because this was meant as a long tweet but turned into a post. 

March 2018

March came and went. Here’s to it (in no particular order):

• The course: this 18-day long course that started in mid February and extended till mid March which was to  prepare us for the exam we were going to take ended up being more than we signed up for. Extensive and exhausting but never a dull moment in that classroom. The path I took was guaranteed to keep me a student for the rest of my life anyway and this surely took me back to my student days. 
• Nema: finally getting to meet Nema. She’s such a real and genuine person. An inspiration truly. My testimony might be biased because of the food she cooked for us, but still there’s truth in there. 
• The exam: all the stress it brought on and the restlessness. In the end, it was just an exam. 
• Snow: so beautiful. Might be mundane to many but not to me. Could it be from the excitement of seeing it for the first (and second) time? Only time will tell. 
• Turning 26: no matter how much I was willing this not to happen, it did. Just the number makes me feel old. On the 17th, it snowed again (thank you, London!) but I was stuck indoors for a mock exam. It wasn’t that bad though, I felt blessed to have people who cared about me and made me feel the warmth even in that weather. 

• Noor <3: maybe what I said up there “in no particular order” doesn’t apply here because I decidedly kept this to the end. So I met Noor for the second time, after almost three years. She made all effort to see me and was always there for me, saw me in states when I wasn’t feeling the best. I continue to learn how to be a good friend from her, I find in her amazing patience, acceptance and I’m grateful to have met her the few times we did according to our slightly conflicting time schedules (mine to blame the most). I know you don’t want to hear this but thank you for everything and for being you. 

Decide.

How did you learn the art of choosing? You make decisions so easily, it's quite unnerving to be honest. It's like you know every detail of yourself and choose accordingly. Thus, making my insecure self in doubt even more.

It's always been difficult to choose. I never knew what I wanted. I could easily tell you what it is I do not want. It has become a pattern. It could mean that I simply am avoiding to choose so I wouldn't hold any responsibility for the consequences of my choice. If I just went with things how they came, then no one to blame.


"I'll have a cheeseburger without lettuce" announces my nephew, maybe it's not so astounding given that most kids avoid their greens but it's the confidence that utters this choice. Or when my niece announces that she wants the Ariel toy that can blow out bubbles. How do they know at such a young age, and I don't?

Whenever I'm presented with a lot of choices or options, I'd either feel pressured and choose randomly or choose something that would be convenient for the other person I'm with. I wouldn't necessarily consider what I liked or what might suit me best.

It's just easier this way. Because who wants to contemplate on how they can't make a simple choice when going out for a nice meal with friends? No, it's not like that really because I'm not aware of this inability in me most of the time. I decide on not deciding and move on.

Internship - July 2017

Internship is over. Emotions always running high. Sometimes I feel that I made a difference, rare are those days. But plenty are the days where I feel unappreciated, stressed, defeated, hiding in a corner fighting back the tears.
They keep juggling us into different teams. Every month, I have to adapt to new people.
I had to learn to say no.
There's no clear job description for us interns. Hence I've struggled in the beginning of finding that out. At times, I am left with sick patients who I shouldn't be handling without the immediate recognition that they're situation is critical, and at others I am left to do the work nobody wants to do.
I stopped caring about being liked, I will make an effort if I like you, if not then so be it.
It doesn't matter if nobody notices you're there and you stick around in case anything goes wrong. Well, sometimes it does matter, and more than often people notice. And it pushes me a little ahead when they do.
Interns, basically, are the bottom of the healthcare system. Some don't know what to do with us. Some don't know what to do without us. We're the easiest to blame. And when we fight back, they get the shock of their lives. I should have been sterner, and in many occasions I should not have taken the blame, but I did.
It's been an enriching experience. Whether it's a patient you learn from on a medical level or on a life level. Specially when you're afraid you will lose your compassion. Or it's a doctor who takes the time to teach you, correct you or share their life experiences with you.
It hasn't been all that frustrating, No. I felt like I was finally part of the team. I had patients I was in charge of. I was left to arrange things for them and at times fight for them when different teams are juggling their responsibility.
I didn't save any lives, rather I made many mistakes. But I've learned so much.
Oncalls were mostly light for me. I've been lucky that no big disasters happened on my watch, at least I pretend it was on my watch. Spending 24 hours in the hospital, most of the times it was more than that, it was never just 24 hours. Your best self leaves you surely by the beginning of the oncall or somewhere at night when they keep calling you to put this prescription or for other reasons.
The real struggle of being an intern slips through this post as I cannot simply put into enough words to explain to you what it was like. 

بلدي

حلوة يا بلدي

اي والله حلوة. و تخبلين همين. حلوة بحاراتچ، بناسچ، بطيبهم وكرمهم، حلوة باللمة، و بكل تفاصيلچ

حلوة حتى بعد ما خربوچ و اجيت اشوفچ صامدة مع أنه هدموچ و ما بقى ولا شارع نظيف. ظليتِ حلوة على عنادهم.

ذكريات كل اللي فات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
أتذكر صف أول و  ست سهيلة. طيبة صديقة الطفولة. بيبيتي الله يرحمها. مرجوحة بيتنا. شقاوتي.  المسلسلات المكسيكية. فتحي يا وردة. بيت جدي. بنات عمي.
يشككون بيه لما أگوللهم أني أتذكر هيچ صار. بس مو مهم
و أتذكر اليوم... اللي ودعتچ بي.

قلبي مليان بحكايات، فاكرة يا بلدي؟
چنت أتمنى أنه القصص تكون أكثر و أكثر. چنت أتمنى لمن أرجعلچ أگدر أطلع وحدي أتمشى بشوارعچ و اندل طريق بيتنا. بس بيتنا تغير. و حسيتني مثل الغريبة ببلدي . عفتچ أكثر من 10 سنين شنو أتوقع ردة فعلچ تكون؟ أستاهل.

 واكو كومة حچايات جديدة منها الحلو و منها المر. بس يحتاج اگعد وياچ گعدة محترمة لما ارجعلچ عن قريب و نسولف

 تدرين أنهم يگولولي انه حچيي مو عراقي مية بالمية؟  و ما ادري ليش اضايق و اسمعلهم؟ مو مهم رأيهم بس هي كم شغلة اللي تجمعني بيچ و متمسكة بكل شغلة بقوة لأنها تقربني منچ فلما ينتقدوها يعز عليه. 

أملي دايماً كان يا بلدي، إني أرجعلك يا بلدي

عايشة على الأمل. مع إنه دا يصير كلش ضعيف. يوما ما ان شاء الله 

وأفضل دايماً جنبك على طول
  هو حلم. صعب. بس شسوي. يمكن قبل ما كان بإيدي بس كل ما أكبر تصير عندي حرية الاختيار أكثر بس انتظريني ارجعلچ مكونة نفسي و أگدر أساعد أبناء بلدي. حچي مثالي أدري و يمكن حجج بس أدري أنه انتِ مقدرة ظروفي. وأدري أنه ما نسيتيني. صح اني عايفتچ كلش من زمان بس هذا ما ينقص من حبي الچ.